all i want for christmas is you
by Cynthia03
Summary: On their first meeting, Emma flips Killian off, only to have him be the guy her firm hires. Quickly enough he becomes one her and even Henry's best friend. But Christmas changes their relationship every year.


"Where's Killy?"

Emma freezes momentarily at the question, continuing frosting the cupcakes pretending as if she didn't quite hear Henry's question once she regains her focus. She feels a tug on her pajama pants and looks down, Henry's big brow eyes staring up at her with his eyebrows twitching together in confusion.

She takes a deep breath and drops down on one knee, "He's not coming this year, kid."

"Why not?" He looks so sad and defeated, his big eyes widening down a bit.

"He had to meet his brother in London." She tells him – it's not exactly a lie, as he _is_ going to see his brother there, but not exactly _too_ happily. The tradition for the past two Christmases has been that he spends Christmas with her, Henry, and their friends, and then New Years with his brother and sister-in-law in England.

But this time due to Emma's cowardice, he was spending Christmas there too. Away from David, Mary Margaret, Ruby, Mulan, Henry, and Emma.

"But…he spends Christmas with _us_ ," Henry stresses.

"I know, kid." She breathes, hating that she has to lie to him, "He'll be back next year."

He sighs audibly, his shoulders falling down in defeat and his lips tilt down as he leaves the kitchen, making Emma's heart hurt. That is if it still can work after being broken so royally all by herself.

She recalls _his_ misty blue eyes with unshed tears, a new wave of sadness overcoming her as she remembers his last action towards her. She doesn't know what will happen now – if he's coming back for New Years, or coming back _at all_.

A sudden sob escapes her and before she knows it, tears are running down her cheeks. She rushes to her bathroom to make sure Henry doesn't catch her falling apart, and after locking it behind her, slumps down on the floor with the door behind her back.

Muffling her sobs with her hand, she cries for everything – for what they could've been, what they _were_ , for her own inability to love someone, and for his to love them _so_ much.

As she sits up to wash her face to remove any remnants of her crying session, memories of what they were flash before her eyes.

~~xx~~

Three years ago, it started with a quite weird meeting – as these things usually do.

~~xx~~

 _Three years ago_

She sees him on a Monday. His raised eyebrow and tongue peeking out from his mouth while his eyes assess her body, irritating her beyond words. It's bad enough that her alarm never went off, forcing her to rush a four year old for school who still likes to run away at the mention of bath or wearing clothes. Then, her shower's knob broke, forcing her to take a quick shower in freezing cold water and force her kid to at least eat a banana.

Just as she was rushing outside, she realized that the night before a snowstorm had hit and her car was smothered under it. (What was the use of her living in one of the city's best condos if she can't even get indoor parking?) Then her poor dear old Bug wouldn't start up (she refuses, _refuses_ to give her baby up), and just when she was about to give up and take a cab, the furniture store owner guy, Walsh, who was _definitely_ into her, offered her a ride to drop Henry to school and then her to the nearest subway station and Henry being the sweetest boy he is had already muttered a strong "thank you."

This all happens on the opportune day when she _has_ to get to the office early as her and David's law firm is interviewing for a junior partner to join them. She ignores the incessant buzzing of her phone as David, her friend slash overprotective dad figure's face keeps popping up and instead offers a quick _thanks_ to Walsh and bolts down the stairs.

And now, with her head pounding, hair wet from the snowfall, and the buttons of her shirt definitely done the wrong way, this random ass dude has the nerve to check her out.

Granted he's hot, like _beyond_ hot, but being hot does not excuse you from being a creep.

But when she looks over at him again, he's busy on his phone, proving that he wasn't a creep but just a man checking a woman out -briefly. So taking advantage of his now seemingly disinterest in her, Emma runs her gaze over him – not _checking_ him out but rather just…assessing.

He's wearing dark pants and a navy blue tight shirt, a laptop bag slinging on his shoulder and a suit jacket in his hand. She moves a bit closer to get a better look.

His eyes, from what she call tell, are some shade of blue, not too deep but not bright either. His jaw is chiseled with a well-trimmed scruff marring it; he's probably one of the many struggling models in this city.

Her eyes are just outlining his face when she feels his lips quirk up and he tilts his head to look at her, raising a single eyebrow pointedly at her. Emma feels herself flush from embarrassment on being caught, but she's no shy maiden or would ever accept defeat so in retaliation she offers him a sweet smile, and raising her hand in front of her, flips him off.

A short laugh escapes him and he shakes his head, looking away from her. Not thinking too much about how much more attractive this stranger looks laughing, Emma turns on her heels and walks to the opposite side, a small smile forming on her face at this quite weird and frankly ridiculous incident happening.

~~xx~~

Emma offers a quick wave to their receptionist Ruby before she runs as fast as her four inch heels would allow to join David and Regina, their other partner, inside the conference room.

David offers her a little apologetic smile once Regina turns from where she pouring herself a coffee, a frown marring her forehead.

"Emma, you're 25 min-"

"I know I'm sorry but the Bug broke down!" She interrupts her "And I had to get Henry to school." At the mention of her son, Regina softens – her son has won the heart of even the strictest of people.

Regina just shakes her head then and comments on the state of Emma's Bug before handing the mug of coffee to her, Emma muttering a _bless you_ to her as she takes a few big gulps of the scalding hot coffee.

Ruby peeks her head inside, waving to get their attention, "Should I start sending people in? 5 of them already showed up."

"Yes, Ruby." Regina answers.

~~xx~~

By the time the sixth interviewee walks out, Emma is exhausted. Trying to listen to them answer the same usual questions with their even more mundane and generic answers and hearing about their 5 year plans and strengths and weaknesses, making her crave another cup of coffee and probably a nice long nap.

She hates interviewing but according to her co-partners and self-suggested "family" like friends, she has to sit through them as this is supposed to be a _joint_ decision and this junior partner will someday hopefully also join them in becoming co-partner of this firm. Only the best, and agreed on by at least two of them would get this job.

Emma's phone buzzes with an incoming message from one of her clients, and she busies herself reading those when the door opens again, revealing their next candidate.

And then time seems to stop as she sees a quite familiar face.

He's wearing the suit jacket now.

Emma's mouth hangs open as she watches the man she had flipped off on the subway just minutes ago shake hands with David, Regina, and just when he moves to come shake hers, his eyes widen in recognition, and the tip of his ears turn red instantly. He blinks a couple of times, running his bewildered gaze all over her face as if he still can't believe that this is actually happening right now.

His hand is still stretched towards her awkwardly, and quickly Emma goes into lawyer mode and takes it, shaking it with not as much force as she'd like to exert.

He also seems to recover from this quite unusual incident as well, and offers her a small professional smile, "Killian Jones."

"Emma. Emma Swan," she says, still holding his hand as she keeps staring at his eyes, the blue of them demanding her to not look away.

"Nice to meet you, Miss _Swan_ ," he smiles a bit, his tongue doing _something_ with her last name. And then of course he's fucking British.

David coughs quite audibly, snapping them both out of their fixation on each other, and when Emma turns towards her friend after taking a seat, he has her eyebrow raised in question.

Ignoring David, as there was _nothing_ to be said, she turns to study the resume in her hand of this Killian Jones.

Before she can even look up at him, he's busy answering away the questions Regina throws at him.

~~xx~~

David is already in love with Killian Jones.

The door hasn't even shut behind Killian completely as he leaves with a big smile and shaking everyone's hands again, Emma noticing the way his mouth opens but then quickly closes as he shakes hers, that David announces, "This is it. He's perfect."

"Oh come on! We still have 3 more people left to interview!" Emma retorts, not quite sure why she's so against the idea of hiring him. Sure their first meeting, or rather encounter wasn't the greatest, but he _is_ a pretty great and a nearly perfect candidate for this.

David scoffs and turns towards his their other partner, "Regina?"

At least she has the audacity to look a bit sheepishly towards Emma as she speaks, "I get a snarky vibe from him; I like it."

"Oh god."

~~xx~~

Emma deliberately arrives at the office almost an hour late, texting David that there's a _school thing_ with Henry. It should make her feel bad, using her tiny little son to get out of just not wanting to see the man and show him around the office, but oh well.

She smiles at Ruby as she enters, already in a better mood as by coming in late, she was then able to spend a few more extra minutes snuggled up with Henry, and had enough time to buy herself a hot chocolate.

Entering her office room she freezes as she notices Killian sitting there, a file in his hand. As soon as he spots her, he stands up, a hand going behind his ear to scratch nervously as he's unsure of how to proceed.

"Hello, Swan." He finally mutters, extending a hand but then biting his lip as if regretting it.

Not knowing what else to do, and to not mortify the poor man anymore on his first day, she takes it, "Hi, Mr. Jones."

"Killian, will do." He smiles then, dropping her hand quickly and gesturing towards the file in his hand, "David has asked me to accompany you in this case so I'm familiar with how you guys work around here."

"Shit."

~~xx~~

Three minutes into trying to explain him the details of this case, he makes a suggestion to her which completely throws her off-guard, making her reassess her entire approach to this particular case.

Not wanting to seem impressed or anything, she brushes his quite _excellent_ idea as a "That kind of makes sense."

An hour in and they're almost close to cracking it, pinpointing it to the last place their client's wife had been seen, hence almost close to destroying his alleged alibi.

Three hours in and they're sitting on the carpeted floor of Emma's room, their shoes forgone. The first two buttons of his shirt are unbuttoned, Emma ignoring the way she finds herself gazing at it. Emma's hair falls in curls now from her previous bun, her little stash of candy which she keeps for _in case of distractions_ for Henry, now being shared between the two.

By the end of the working day, they've called Sheriff Graham and have informed him with this new information, practically winning this case.

"You have to agree, Swan," he speaks as he helps her clear out the mess they made on her floor, and Emma's still not quite used to someone calling her just _Swan_ – _Emma_ sure, even _Miss_ Swan she can handle, _Ems_ she hates as it reminds her of cheap motel rooms and a brown-eyed smirking man, but _Swan_ , is completely different. But with the casual way he says it with a little roll of his tongue, she decides that she likes it.

"Agree on what?" she hums, watching him from the corner of her eyes. She catches him stop and turns his full and prompt attention towards her as he spills the words.

"We make quite the team."

Her response is a half-annoyed and half-happy eye roll.

~~xx~~

It takes him a week to question her on it.

They're once again working together which is understandable since David and Mary Margaret usually like to work together, and it was after all, _her_ idea to find a fourth and make it even.

She doesn't even realize that they're sitting cross-legged on her floor again, their thighs brushing slightly when he brings the topic up.

"Why'd you flip me off that day?"

Emma pretends to have not heard the question, narrowing her eyes down on the piece of paper she was disguising of reading.

It should scare her how comfortable they are already with each other as he has no qualms in snatching the page away from her, bumping his shoulder to hers once as he repeats his question.

"Because you were an ass," She snatches her paper back from his grip, "Still are, clearly."

He smiles widely then, "I merely smiled at you then, Swan."

Rolling her eyes, she carefully settles the paper down and turns towards him slowly, narrowing her eyes when she sees the way his eyes are glinting with unhidden mirth and teasing, "Really?"

"Aye, love."

"So you creeping me was nothing?" she crosses her arms, interested and delighted in the way his eyes were playful and almost shining with teasing, but the tips of his ears were pink in a flush.

"On the contrary, Swan, I was admiring." He tilts his head towards her and licks his lips subconsciously.

Emma follows his tongue and then watches the smirk taking over his face as he notices her biting her own lip.

"Of course you were, buddy." She winks at him before she sits back in her seat, focusing her eyes on her paper and hoping that he looks away quickly from her so he doesn't notice the flush on her cheeks and the way her heart is hammering against her chest.

Because as much as she definitely felt _something_ right now, much stronger than what she's been feeling this entire short week and honestly, even the first they saw each other, she can't take this chance and be wrong about him.

~~xx~~

She can't be something _more_ with him but she can damn well be more than great friends with him.

The friendship comes quite easily – Killian falling into her and Henry's life so naturally and effortlessly. His own office is frankly just a space for storage as most of the time Killian is huddled up in hers, him lounging on her couch and sharing coffees and snacks between the two of them.

He even fits well into Henry's life as he babysits him whenever Emma is needed in court, the two of them spending the day away watching animated movies and drinking juice on Emma's couch. He joins them for impromptu dinners at Granny's until one day those dinners become routine.

He even comes to Henry's musical performances, recording the entire thing on his phone and grinning as if it was his own child performing.

(Emma pretends to be annoyed every time they are perceived as a married couple but secretly a thrill runs through her.)

~~xx~~

They of course, also have some ridiculous and frustrating friendship moments.

Like the one when they were walking together one day in heavy snow and he deliberately bumped her shoulder so hard that she fell in the heap of snow.

Or how she now considers his fries as her own cause Henry loves onion rings as well and she needs a fried side with her burger.

Or how on their first Christmas together, a mere three weeks since they'd known each other, Emma had the gall to push him beneath mistletoe where an unsuspecting David was already standing.

And the best of all, how they somehow think that the other's bed is theirs too.

~~xx~~

It takes her three months to tell him about Neal, the boyfriend who went to jail for trying to smuggle drugs, leaving her with a shit ton of student debts and a baby.

It hadn't even been that long since that, just a very short five years, yet her heart still refuses to even consider anyone else.

He then tells her about Milah, the woman who left him heartbroken by dying on him a measly car crash; making Killian up and leave London behind to escape the hopeless pit he had fallen into. In the past three years he has then moved from city to city in the US only, the ghost of Milah still following him around in his head.

That night ends at her place, a bottle of rum shared between them and Emma inviting him to stay - not the first of her requests but the first time she asks him to join him in bed. And its evidence enough how much of a toll that conversation took on him because despite such an offer, there was no smirk or waggling eyebrows directed towards her at this proposition.

He simply follows her towards her bedroom, both of them too tired mentally and physically to even consider taking any clothes off. Emma slips inside the covers, facing towards the large windows with her back towards him. She feels the mattress dip on the other side, the sudden weight of another person a very foreign feeling. Henry sometimes does crawl in bed with her at night or in the morning but he's so light that sometimes Emma doesn't even notice it until his legs find their way to rest on her stomach.

There's an awkward tension, the effects of the abundant rum wearing off slightly clearing the way to them both realizing the emotionally heavy and deep conversation they had.

Emma stretches her toes, cursing as the spring of the bed makes a noise, sounding much louder due to the absolute silence in the room. She thinks about all the things that she revealed to him today, and all that he revealed, both of their throats and eyes hurting with the tears they shed over their broken hearts.

The memories of all those years ago with a unknowingly pregnant Emma receiving a call from Neal asking for bail flashes in front of her, Emma feeling herself starting to tear up again. This only happened five years ago yet sometimes the memories are so vivid that there's nothing she can do but cry from that heartbreak.

She freezes as the springs make more sound as Killian shifts behind her, the sheets rustling with his movements until she feels his hot breath fanning over the back of her neck. Just when she's starting to relax as he just turned towards her and got a bit _too_ close to her, she feels his hand snaking around her waist, until it comes to rest just below her breasts.

His hand is too firm – he's nervous as he doesn't know if he crossed a line with this action. He frankly didn't know what he was doing or even thinking but suddenly Emma's breath had faltered, and her shoulders were shaking as if she was crying so his body automatically and instantly responded by trying to comfort her. His entire body momentarily stills as Emma grabs his hand from where its resting just shy of touching her breasts, and he thinks she means to push it back but instead, she interlaces her fingers with his and drags their joined hands a bit closer to her chest, nothing lustful about the action.

He shifts so he's pressed up tightly behind her, relaxing and hiding a smile against her neck once he feels her body lean into his.

(When she wakes up in the morning to a cold bed, but then hears the laughter of Killian and Henry filtering from the kitchen, her disappointed frown quickly turns into a happy smile.)

(Something shifts in their friendship that day.)

~~xx~~

She notices it sometimes - the way his eyes linger on her for _too_ long, the way he becomes irritable when one of their clients flirts with her, the way his hands tend to find her loose curls, wrapping her silky hair in his fingers before gently tucking it behind her ear. His rough hands also linger on her jaw when he wipes whipped cream off, or rests on her shoulders when they're sitting closely together, occasionally brushing her thigh which she still can't tell if its deliberate or not.

Most of all though, she notices how there's this smile of his which makes the creases beside his eyes appear deeper and the blue irises of his eyes seem lighter. _This_ smile of his is only reserved for her and Henry and whenever she catches it, it makes her heart flutter.

It really shouldn't surprise her then when one day as he's giving her _that_ smile and his fingers are lingering on her jaw, his thumb skimming the edge of her lips that he leans forward a bit, catching her not so off-guard. When his intentions become quite clear, she jerks away, covering her rejection of his kiss by coughing and then getting up in the pretense to check whether Henry is sleeping fine.

She ignores the slight hurt in his eyes and his downward tilted lips despite how her heart aches at them.

~~xx~~

The second Christmas they spend is at Emma's own house.

She never thought she'd be the one to ever host a party, let alone a _Christmas_ party, but as the Nolans' are unable to host it due to the newly arrived member of their family who has left them both with no sleep and the entire house in mess, Emma has to take over.

(Killian promises to help so she agrees only after a few excuses.)

He arrives early in the morning, using the key she gave him for _only_ emergencies ( _Swan, having no milk in a household with a child is akin to a serious emergency)_ to enter as he knew the woman and her son would be fast asleep even at 9:30 a.m. as _Saturday's are for sleeping_ _in._

He checks on Henry once who is in deep sleep with his toy crocodile which Killian got him last Christmas clutched against his chest. After depositing off the necessary items for a Christmas party on Emma's kitchen island, he heads towards her room.

For a moment, he is tempted to empty a water bottle on her face just to wake her up but then he catches the way the peeking sunlight outlines the dimple on her cheek and he forgets everything. Sitting beside her in her bed, he gives himself a moment just to admire her like this – all restful and quiet as usually she's either too quiet but immersed in work, or is too loud and chatting Killian's ears away.

"You're so creepy," she mumbles, her voice hoarse from sleep and her eyes still shut.

Killian smiles, "I didn't know you were awake."

She opens her eyes then, the emerald of them seeming lighter in the morning sun, "I put an alarm for 9:15. I heard you come in."

"It's 9:40, yet you're still in bed."

"Couldn't get up." She smiles, "This is inhumane. Making me wake up at 9 on a Saturday to host a fucking Christmas party."

"Swan, there are children around!" he mocks offence at her crass language, putting a hand over her mouth.

She slaps his hand away, "My kid is like me and won't wake up until at least 11 p.m. He's sane, unlike you."

"I wager I could persuade you to get up?" he asks, all naïve innocence in his offer, but then Emma narrows her eyes and a teasing smirk takes over her features.

Coming up on her elbows so her face is close to his, she whispers, "Is that so?"

Killian swallows, unsure of what to do. The lass always has a habit of throwing her off. "Um…"

"Relax Killian. I know you mean by cooking me pancakes, bacon, and making me coffee." She winks at him, sitting up straight so her back is to the bed rest, "Right?"

"Of course, love."

"Good." She pushes the covers away and slips out of bed, heading towards the bathroom, "I'll be out in about 20 minutes. I better have coffee at least."

"As you wish."

She smiles to herself before shutting the door behind her.

~~xx~~

"I don't think we need mistletoe," Emma holds the plant up to him, an eyebrow raised.

"Why not?" He takes it from her, "It'd be fun."

"Not really." She takes it back, "Ruby and Mulan have no boundaries; I wouldn't be surprised if they were using my bathroom for something else entirely which by the way please make sure they don't cause I don't wanna scar my son. And David and Mary Margaret are already over the top with their PDA and so are Regina and Robin quite honestly."

Killian nods in agreement.

"—And then that just leaves you and me and well…we don't need it." Emma blinks, looking down at the plant suddenly, "Right?"

The moment when Emma jerked away from his intention to kiss her flashes in front of his eyes. It was a tad bit embarrassing for him as he knew Emma had deflected from the kiss, but he could wait. He _knows_ Emma, maybe even better than herself. She's quite an open book and by now he's able to tell when she's putting on a fake smile, when she's feeling lonely, when she's fuming in anger but is holding back and all.

He _knows_ she feels something for him too, knows in the way he catches her looking at him sometimes when she thinks he doesn't realize, in the way she smiles at him so fondly and so full of dare he say _love_. In the way he can see the pain in her eyes when he's hurting from his past demons, the way she cares for him so fiercely about the smallest of things of whether he had dinner to if he made up with his brother after their fight, and the way she's _always_ there for him, no matter what.

So as she's looking down at the ground, avoiding his question and his gaze, he knows she's not ready yet, "Right. Just leave it in the bag then, love."

He's a patient man after all.

/

The party goes quite amazingly. Ruby and Mulan are going at it but thankfully all their clothes are on. Regina, Robin, and their son Roland are all busy with Henry. Leo is asleep in Emma's room, giving Mary Margaret and David plenty of time to relax and enjoy.

Emma's gathering the last of the eggnog to take outside when she feels Killian behind her, "Anything else, love?"

She smiles – he stayed true to his promise and has helped her on every step along the way to this party. "I got this, thanks."

He still takes the jar of eggnog from her hands and gestures for her to lead the way, ever the gentleman.

Just as he deposits the jar on the table with Emma just beside him, she hears Ruby yell "Mistletoe!"

Emma just stares at her friend in bewilderment; Killian had left the mistletoe in the bag. But as she looks up, the plant is hanging just above her and Killian.

All rational thought floods away from her mind and as she chances a glance towards Killian who is just silently staring at her, giving her the complete choice, her eyes dart down to his lips.

In the next instant, with her hands curled around his neck and his around her waist, she's kissing him. It's not really a romantic kiss – both of them too desperate, too wired up for that. Instead, it's fierce, passionate, and _hot,_ the way his tongue slides across her lower lip, only to then meet hers. The way her hands travel down his chest to pull him closer by the lapels of his jacket and his tangle in her hair.

Suddenly, Emma hears Henry's voice calling out to her and she jerks away from Killian, turning towards her son who is confused as to why his mom and Killian were kissing and everyone else was hooting and encouraging them.

She tells Henry to go to his room where she'll meet him (and tell him it was just a joke) and then turns towards Killian, ignoring the catcalls from their friends. She doesn't dare to look at him, doesn't dare to find out if he's as worked up and wrecked as she is from this explosion of pent up emotions. Leaning into him a bit she whispers, "I'm sorry I got carried away. It was a mistake; just a one-time thing, I promise."

As she turns around to head into Henry's room without even glancing at him, she _knows_ that was one of the biggest lie coming out of her mouth and that some time in the future they would be doing this _again_.

~~xx~~

That _again_ happens just a few days later on New Years – this time Ruby and Mulan hosting the event at their place.

New Years has always been another holiday which brings mixed emotions for her. On one side, she's surrounded with couples celebrating the few seconds of the countdown and its aftermath together, making her feel unloved and alone, and on the other side, she has Henry to celebrate it with who although is definitely a positive force in his life, but is also a reminder of all the things she has failed to provide him – a loving father and family one of those.

So as she searches for Henry amongst the many people present, she's surprised to find Killian walking towards her, Henry beside him. As he comes to her, he smiles at her brightly before resting his arm over her shoulder, pulling her closer to the two of them.

As the ball drops, he lets Henry hug and kiss her cheek first, and then his, making him smile and in the next instant he places a kiss on her lips – just resting them there for a few moments, his hand cupping her jaw. As he separates from her, he whispers in her ear, "Happy New Year, Emma" and with a kiss to her cheek, redirects his attention to their friends.

As if he didn't just tilt Emma's entire world with this.

~~xx~~

The new year brings many more moments of walking on a thin line between being friends and _more_ between them.

But it all goes to hell when Emma is forced to call him to babysit Henry for the night as Ruby and Mulan were out of the city on a skiing trip, and David and Mary Margaret were busy with Leo.

It was only a few days before Christmas, or as Emma likes to think - her and Killian's 3rd friendship anniversary. The holiday season brought her usual hit of loneliness and then that combined with the memories of all _that_ happening with Killian last holiday season, the casual yet still sexually tensed year spent together following that, and now with her expectations regarding him and _them_ crushed, Emma took this step.

Just after a yet another tense moment between her and Killian where his car had broken down in the middle of the road, forcing them both into the rain to figure the problem out, Henry asleep in the backseat, Emma had made her mind.

She doesn't even know how they got there but they were _so_ close – Emma's back pressed against his chest, his arms moving up her arms slowly, and his lips finding her ear as rain poured over them both. The moment had been broken as Emma came back to her senses instead of letting herself fall into her emotions, stepping away from Killian and sitting in the passenger seat.

He had merely smiled a bit sadly at her but hadn't brought it up, thankfully.

But later that night, as Emma lay in bed, her hair still wet from the rain and despite the late hour, being completely awake, she made up her mind.

She loved him. She loved him _a lot_ and she knew he loved her too.

She was being too bloody stubborn.

Chuckling at how even her subconscious now sounds like Killian, she got up and after calling Ruby to stay the night with Henry, headed to his apartment.

She was just climbing the stairs to his apartment, too impatient to take the elevator, when she heard his voice. Ducking down instantly, she saw a woman exiting from his apartment. She was short and dark-haired, not _his_ type as she had learned in the first few months of their friendship when she was his perfect wing-woman, yet she was leaving his apartment at 1:30 a.m. at night with her high heels in one hand. Emma couldn't hear a word of their conversation but saw the hug they shared and the kiss Killian pressed to her forehead.

Not even waiting for the woman to leave, Emma turned around and ran.

The next morning then, when Walsh, the guy who has had a quite obvious crush on her for the past three years, finally gathers the courage to ask her out for dinner, she agrees.

So now, with her opening the door to Killian in her red fitted dress and hair curled in long waves, he runs his gaze over her once before giving her a questioning eyebrow. Just as she kisses Henry goodbye and reminds him to not watch too much TV, she answers Killian.

"I'm going on a date." She says, flippantly.

There's a significant pause before he asks, "A date?"

"Yeah, with Walsh."

"You mean the creepy furniture owner guy?" He looks dubious; he's heard Emma complain and make fun of the guy countless times.

"Yeah, I know. We talked this morning and he didn't seem as bad as I had made him out to be. Seems like a decent guy to be honest." After checking her reflection in the mirror once and doubting the dress once more as the neckline is a bit on the side of _too_ long, she walks up to Killian, ignoring how her heels make her his height and all it would take for her to kiss him is to take a step forwa—

 _Stop_. She reminds herself. He has made it quite clear that he's not really interested in her. She ignores the voice inside her head which tells her that she's deliberately being completely irrational and lying to herself cause she's still too scared.

"I don't understand how your viewpoint about him changed in one morning-"

"It did," She cuts him off, "People surprise you sometimes." The flash of that woman leaving his house with a hug and kiss just the night before when they'd also shared a moment comes to her mind. It was, indeed, a surprise.

"Emm-"

"Order a pizza, make sure Henry eats the vegetables on it. Thanks for doing this." She walks away, stopping at the door as Killian's words make her pause.

"Would you be returning tonight?"

When she turns around he has the audacity to look down in shame and not meet her eyes, his jaw clenched and his hands formed in fists, "That's none of your business."

With that, she slams the door shut.

~~xx~~

The date, was as expected, terrible. Terribly boring and frankly slightly creepy.

Walsh had spent most of the night staring at her cleavage, and trying to sell her furniture. When Emma refused to go up to his apartment for the night, he almost cried, making her bolt up to her apartment.

Once in front of her apartment, she enters quietly, disposing off her heels at the door. She tip-toes to her living room only to jump slightly and clutch her chest in panic as she suddenly sees Killian leaning on her couch, facing her.

"Jesus Killian! What the hell? You scared me to death!"

"Apologies, love." His voice lies flat, devoid of any emotion, making a shiver run through Emma. "How was your date?"

"It was good." She lies, walking towards him, "How's Henry?"

"He ate a slice and went to bed at 9 p.m." He tells her, his mood suddenly changing as he tells her about how Henry was the one to meet the delivery guy tonight, a big goofy grin taking over his face at the recount.

Emma laughs along him as he tells her about Henry not being able to carry the pizza box but making damn sure no one knew the reality.

"He's so cute."

"Aye Swan, he's adorable."

"I should, uh, go." Killian scratches behind his ear, giving her the fake smile she absolutely detests.

"Um, yeah."

"Will you be going on another date with him?" He asks, an edge to his voice.

"Maybe." _No definitely no._

Emma catches the way his eyes narrow at her, his jaw clenching once before he shuts his eyes. He then turns to leave without a single word to her, making Emma's blood boil. How could he seem so mad about her going on a date with Walsh before, then joke to her about her kid, then be angry at her, and now just leave without a single acknowledgement?

He doesn't even reply to her _goodnight_.

~~xx~~

She isn't even sure herself yet if she's mad at him for not fighting a bit more for them if he truly felt the way she did about him and ask her more about Walsh, or if she's mad that he seemed slightly inconvenienced but eventually fine with this development?

So being her, she ignores him. She reaches work half an hour earlier just to tell David that she'll need his assistance in the new case instead of Killian's. David sighs heavily and shakes his head at her, "What's going on between you two?"

"Nothing."

"Really? Emma it's obvious even to a guy like me that there are…feelings involved between you two."

"David, there's nothing. Now will you please help me with this case?"

"Regina and Killian will kill each other."

"David, _please_."

He softens, "Of course, Emma." He stands up, taking half of the files from her. "But just so you know, love is a good thing."

Emma swallows hard, blinking back tears as she nods at him and after muttering a _thanks,_ heads out.

Then, she gathers her necessary paperwork and takes it to the small café she discovered with Mary Margaret a few days ago. The woman owning it is kind enough to let Emma stay there and mooch off their Wi-Fi as long as she buys a coffee (an offer which Emma is more than happy to oblige).

As expected her phone starts vibrating the minute Killian usually enters the office, a series of texts being thrown her way. When she doesn't even look at them, he calls her, his picture with Henry which she had chosen as her contact picture for him lighting her screen up.

The picture makes her heart melt a bit as its utterly adorable so she silences her phone completely and throws it in her bag.

~~xx~~

That night, after tucking Henry into bed and taking a long bath with a glass of wine, Emma finally opens her phone to look through his texts. There are a couple of them with him asking her about why she ditched him, then some conveying annoyance with her running away from him, then some asking her to _please Swan please just pick up your phone_ , and then some just asking her if she's okay. They make her feel guilty for putting him through this much trouble but she's scared and pissed and doesn't know how to react. She's never had a best friend, let alone be _in love_ with said friend and be confused whether that love is reciprocated or not.

There are three voicemails attached as well, the last one coming in just an hour ago. She plays that one, keeping the phone close to her ear.

 _Emma, I don't know what happened but if I did or said something to annoy you or anger you, I'm so very very sorry. It was never my intention and it will never be my intention to ever hurt you, Swan, you know that. If its space you need I'll give that to you. But just know that I'll always be here for you and that I love you and Henry more than anything._

The lines goes dead after that and for some reason Emma finds herself crying with the phone clutched to her chest tightly.

~~xx~~

She finally gets introduced to Killian's new client. At first Emma got riled up in jealousy as she finds the woman leaving his apartment late at night standing right in front of her, but then Regina tells her that said woman is _Belle_ , Killian's friend from back home.

Emma's heard about Belle from Killian many times before, and knows they consider each other family, meaning that what she saw was an innocent and friendly meeting and not what she was originally thinking.

Still, it doesn't douse the fear in her mind.

~~xx~~

Even a week later, once she's ignored him completely and made herself feel nothing but completely miserable, she refuses to budge.

She misses him, she misses him so damn much it hurts. And even Henry is now questioning Killian's sudden disappearance as he at least meets the boy three times a week and _this_ is it. This is what terrifies her the most.

Let aside Emma's own walls and her inability to trust people that way and even feel love-worthy herself, she's actually more terrified of having Henry grow attached to someone and love them like a father-figure only to have them bail on them both. This is why she doesn't date; hasn't really dated _anyone_ since Neal. She knows Killian is not like the others, _knows_ that he loves Henry like his own son and would never do that to them, but still, a part of her can't help but be terrified with that possibility.

Nothing can happen with Killian, no matter how badly she wants it to happen.

~~xx~~

The week of Christmas is when she _finally_ sees him. Emma is asked to be present for the Christmas bonuses and for the discussion of the holiday party and she knows she'll see him there; it's inevitable.

He stands up abruptly as soon as she enters the room, looking as bad as it could be possible for him to look. His beard is unshaven, his hair standing up every direction as if he ran his hand through it multiple times (a thing he does when he's nervous as Emma knows), and there are dark circles under his eyes. Emma imagines she looks just as miserable as he does but with the relief and happiness evident in his eyes, just as they are in hers, it's obvious they could give less of a shit about physical appearances in the moment.

Both of them receive heavy Christmas bonuses as they do make quite the good team and have worked hard and really well this year. He smiles at her when they get those compliments from David and she just nods.

It's finally decided that the Christmas party will be head at Killian's new apartment this year as now he's trumped them all by purchasing a unit in one of the fanciest places in the city, all of them wanting to see it. As soon as the clatter about his place have died down, Emma reveals that she won't be attending the party this year, making an excuse of wanting to spend it just with Henry alone at home. In reality, remembering last year and the happenings between the two, she'd rather not take her chances and be safe. Ruby for some reason asks her if she'll be spending it with Walsh and for once she's not so mad at her friend's big mouth as that's a perfect excuse.

His face falls at Ruby's comment, his shoulders slumping down and an awkward tension settling in the room as they both just stare at each other.

People start exiting one by one until it's just him and her left in the room. Killian stands after a while, walking towards Emma and scratching behind his ear nervously.

"Will you talk to me, Emma?" He asks her straight away, "Tell me what wrong have I done?"

When she doesn't respond and keeps her gaze fixed on the ground, he sighs heavily and leans down a bit, "I hope he keeps you happy, Swan. You deserve it."

Emma lets out a little laugh at the ridiculousness of him thinking she's dating Walsh but then he's resting a hand on her shoulder and in the next moment he kisses the top of her head for a long moment.

For some reason it feels like goodbye.

~~xx~~

Turns out, that indeed was a goodbye. Two days later on Christmas morning, she's informed by Mary Margaret that the party has shifted to their apartment as Killian is leaving for England the night of to spend whatever is left of Christmas with his family. There's a slight accusatory tone in her friend's voice but Emma knows she deserves it.

At first she doesn't think about it too much. There could be a million ways why he would decide to do so but her heart tells her that it has something to do with her. But also, it seems a lot like he's running – proving everything that she's feared for herself and Henry.

So when Henry asks her about Killian's whereabouts while she's frosting cupcakes, Emma has a slight meltdown and staring in the mirror at her tear stained face, she realizes something.

He's _not_ running. He's doing what she has asked him to do, to give her space. He's shifting the party to David and Mary Margaret's so she could attend it and not spend Christmas alone. He's letting himself be pushed by her and it's not right. That not's what she wants.

Suddenly things become too _real_ as until now they were still in the same city and she could've just called him or went banging on his door, but now he's taking himself to an entirely other continent. She's not sure if he intends to even return.

In the next minute, Emma makes a quick call to Ruby, grabs her passport, and after having Ruby pick Henry up for the party, hails a cab.

~~xx~~

She runs to the screens displaying the boarding times, finding his plane leaving in about five minutes for Heathrow. Memorizing the flight number, she runs towards the gate number for it, hitting a few travellers on her way. She knows its too late now, boarding has already ended and his phone has been switched off for some time now, meaning that he's already in the plane.

But she's not giving up this easily. She needs him, she needs him in her life; she loves him. And she knows he loves her too.

Her heart beating erratically, she walks towards one of the airline officers present when she hears a familiar voice.

"Emma?"

She turns around abruptly, her heart suddenly dropping.

Killian is standing there with his bag beside him, his own eyes blown in surprise. A surge of relief washes through her and before she even knows it, her legs are moving, stopping only when her body clashes with his. He stumbles backwards a bit with the force of her hug but soon his arms are coming around her to support her, lifting her up slightly.

"How could you?" Emma says, once he puts her down, the tears she had been holding back the entire ride to the airport in anxiousness now falling down rapidly, "You can't just leave me!"

She hits his shoulder, Killian catching her wrist then, "I know, love, I'm so sorry." He turns her wrist to press a kiss to it, "I couldn't go, Emma, I couldn't do it."

"Of course you couldn't," she rests her forehead against his, "You love me too much for that."

He smiles, "Aye. I do. I never thought I'd be able to let go of my first love to find someone else…but that is until I met you Emma. From the first moment on, I have been madly in love with you. Even though you're too bloody stubborn."

Emma smiles widely; despite knowing this truth for some time, it still makes her heart almost burst hearing him say it out loud.

Not wanting to waste any more time, she cups his scruffy cheeks and brings her lips to his. This kiss is much different than their first one an exact year ago – its slow and languid, both of them lost in each other as they move their tongues exploring each other, his hands playing with her hair gently while her rest on his shoulders. He nips her lower lip with his teeth when she separates from him, grinning against her before kissing her once more.

"Ready to go home now?" she asks, smiling at the red flush in his cheeks.

"Hm." He turns, holding his bag with one hand and the other wrapped around her waist.

"By the way," she turns to him once they're outside the Nolan's household, both of their cheeks red from the cold and a hot chocolate each in their hands, "I love you too."

They end up spending the next ten minutes out in the cold, just lost in each other's kisses.

(The Christmas party never ends up being held in Killian's place as next Christmas is spent in Killian, Emma, _and_ Henry's new house.)

~~xx~~

 _ **Reviews are appreciated :)**_


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